Many moons ago I wrote a blog entry about my Horror-Scope. In that particular case, it was seriously written, nonetheless traumatizing for me. In this month's Stand Out Magazine they have some Halloween Horror-scopes. They are kind of mean, but fun. I was going to put some of them online today, but (a) didn't really want to re-type them and (b) left my copy of the magazine at home. So, I went in search of them online, but alas, could not find them. I did, however locate these:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aggressive to the extreme, the Aries is primitive - warlike and cruel. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, he often has trouble remembering the simplest of things. The Aries will often try to backstab his peers, but luckily, he usually lacks the mental capacity to succeed. He is vulgar and blunt, and incapable of subtlety.
From early childhood, Rams aspire to be a career soldier or an astronaut - which is why they constantly go around trying to pick fights with everyone they meet.
An Aries should be kept as far away from family savings as possible - he will blow it all at the first chance, but will not remember how or why. He is unbearably dull in a conversation, mostly due to an annoying tendency to ramble on for hours about himself, completely oblivious to those around him. When drunk, an Aires will usually become rowdy and violent, often making a scene.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Petty, annoying and a whiny pain in the neck, a Taurus loves to brown-nose and is often a snitch to boot. In life and work, always blows with the wind, and runs to answer to his superiors’ smallest whim.
A chronic poser (will pass himself for an altruist, or in the case of a woman - a tortured soul), while harboring contempt for those around him, and in his mind fancying himself the center of the universe.
A Taurus loves wealth, and will greedily collect it in secret for most of his life. He is willing to sacrifice the last bit of wealth for a good cause - as long as it's someone else's.
Ego-centric, with a sadistic streak, he will terrorize his family from childhood until his old age, all the while managing to project the appearance of love and kindness. Taurus loves preferential treatment, and will usurp such privileges whenever possible.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Eternally childish - both intellectually and emotionally, a Gemini simply refuses to grow up, and will often mooch of off someone until old age.
His only true passion is pointless chatter, which he has mastered to perfection. A Gemini can talk for hours without ever getting to the point. He reads little, but has an opinion on every issue - even though he will change it about a dozen times a week. It is not uncommon for a Gemini to become an actor or at least a "writer".
Geminis can't stand stress - neither physical nor mental. Even though a Taurus loves to entertain guests, at best, he will have nothing more to offer than soda and chips. Usually though, it's just his endless and pointless ramblings.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A failure by definition, a Cancer is both a conservative and an opportunist, stuck in a constant state of self-reflection. Nothing and no one is capable of changing his mind, but he loves to argue, just to make fun of his opponent and look better in his own bulging eyes.
Cancers are quite cowardly, which may cause them to attack first, but they will usually flee at the first sign of danger, seeking the safety of their hole - a place which they love and nurture above all else.
A Cancer will readily slander and poke fun of everything around him, always pretending to be in control of the situation, strong and sure of himself. In truth, he is deathly afraid of everyone and prefers to be left alone in quiet solitude.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkenness and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual acquaintances.
His overly developed pride and narcissism can ruin the life of anyone who he has come into even passing contact with, while his gluttony is capable of bankrupting even the deepest set of pockets. Amazingly, even though Leos eat a lot and without stop, they never gain any weight.
They like to have the world revolve around them, which is why they strive to be the best at anything they do. If they are not successful at this, they will languish and lose weight.
A Leo's dominant character traits are usually an unshakable delusion of grandeur and an elevated feeling of self-importance.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgos possess all the charm of an rhinoceros and the brains of a rabbit. They are petty and greedy, annoying and argumentative. Virgos' lack of knowledge and imagination makes them unbearable for colleagues and difficult for family.
With her incessant nit-picking, a Virgo is capable of grinding any endeavor to a screeching halt, and driving even a patient person to the brink of madness. She never improvises, planning out every action weeks in advance down to the most boring and minute detail, much to the chagrin of anyone else who may be involved.
Anything a Virgo does is precipitated by cold logical calculation. Every action is respectable, predictable and boring. A Virgo is a vengeful master of intrigue, and if one has enemies, she will not rest until they, their families, their friends, and the families of their friends have been made to feel her wrath.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You have to be a real loser to be born a Libra. Libras are born with two left hands, both of which grow out of their ass. They are tone-deaf and generally have poor eyesight. The senses of self-esteem and humor are in embryonic states at best.
Libras never have any money, their love life is usually a non-starter and they have notoriously bad luck both at work and at home. Pictures of mediocrity, they are incapable of standing out, surprising, outperforming.
Genetically unable to make any decision, they begin to convulse and sweat profusely whenever faced with a choice more important than "paper or plastic?". This is why their whole life they let others decide for them.
While they love to present themselves as patrons of the arts, their knowledge in the area runs no further than they can throw a grand piano. Libras often end up writing tear-jerking memoirs full of half-truths and embellishments.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying.
Pathological sadists and masochists simultaneously, they will not find any means too low or dishonorable if it can aid in reaching their goals. Going to great lengths, they will strive to create a positive image of themselves, just so they can backstab an opponent when he least expects it.
Their career is built on the bodies of their more scrupulous victims. If a Scorpio just told you how much he values your friendship, be certain he has already ratted you out to the boss in an attempt to curry favor.
Scorpios are famous for their affinity to dirty jokes and cheap porno movies. They will spread rumors about their sexual conquests, cruelly smearing anyone unlucky enough to be involved with them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Usually a Sagittarius will come off as a blissfully happy idiot. In most cases, this first impression will prove accurate. His moronic enthusiasm cannot be dampened by anything - not even by a cinder block falling on his head.
After talking to a Sagittarius for five minutes, you will want to kill him quickly but painfully. From the early age, a Sagittarius will have developed the infuriating habit of forcing his stupid ideas and his company onto anyone who might so much as walk by.
An aggressive optimist, a Sagittarius will require a lot of work in a relationship.
He usually makes a habit of inventing stories and lying outright, which he rationalizes by what he thinks are good intentions.
A Sagittarius usually loves crowds and loud social situations, as well as any place where he can enjoy a meal and a drink without paying for them.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Cruel, cold and heartless, the Capricorn has all the warmth of an iceberg in January. He is a tyrant at work and an inquisitor at home.
A Capricorn sees picking on others as one of the major reasons for his existence. He will get worked up over minor infractions, and is completely devoid of sense of humor. It is not uncommon for a Capricorn to be abusive towards his (her) significant other, be it a spouse or a best friend.
Capricorns will back down only if faced with a threat of physical force, or intense psychological pressure. Intellectually primitive, lacking any semblance of imagination, he is nevertheless vengeful to the extreme - the word "forgiveness" is not in his vocabulary.
Capricorns possess the rare combination of delusions of greatness and low self esteem - all with minimal mental capacity. This is why so many are found among upper and middle management.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A hopeless and helpless dreamer, forever out of touch with reality, an Aquarius is ever lost in his own fantasy world.
He never returns money he borrows, for immediately upon borrowing it, he spends it and forgets about the debt. An Aquarius constantly breaks his promises, and hates nothing more than working.
People born under this sign love badmouthing and making fun of those that are close to them, but always behind their back. An Aquarius is drawn to greasy junk food and cheap action novels, both of which he buys in untold quantities.
His vacation is usually spent holed up in some god-forsaken bar, since he has spent all his getaway money on one of his uncounted projects destined to make the world a better place for humanity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A Pisces cannot live without lies and treachery. They often get so wrapped up in their own tall tales that they can easily forget which of their stories are true and which are not.
A Pisces constantly contradicts herself, and is always trying to wriggle out of a lie somebody has called her on. She will generally not profit from such fruitless tasks, but that's fine by her - she's doing it for the art.
Additionally a Pisces loves nothing more than to stick her nose into someone else's dirty laundry. Pretending to be a self-taught psychoanalyst she will pry into people's secrets, which she will later manipulate and trade through her own self-styled network of spies.
Incapable of working, or for that matter doing anything remotely useful, a Pisces has no interest for acquiring such abilities. Forcing her to do so is nearly impossible - she will simply wriggle out and disappear.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aggressive to the extreme, the Aries is primitive - warlike and cruel. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, he often has trouble remembering the simplest of things. The Aries will often try to backstab his peers, but luckily, he usually lacks the mental capacity to succeed. He is vulgar and blunt, and incapable of subtlety.
From early childhood, Rams aspire to be a career soldier or an astronaut - which is why they constantly go around trying to pick fights with everyone they meet.
An Aries should be kept as far away from family savings as possible - he will blow it all at the first chance, but will not remember how or why. He is unbearably dull in a conversation, mostly due to an annoying tendency to ramble on for hours about himself, completely oblivious to those around him. When drunk, an Aires will usually become rowdy and violent, often making a scene.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Petty, annoying and a whiny pain in the neck, a Taurus loves to brown-nose and is often a snitch to boot. In life and work, always blows with the wind, and runs to answer to his superiors’ smallest whim.
A chronic poser (will pass himself for an altruist, or in the case of a woman - a tortured soul), while harboring contempt for those around him, and in his mind fancying himself the center of the universe.
A Taurus loves wealth, and will greedily collect it in secret for most of his life. He is willing to sacrifice the last bit of wealth for a good cause - as long as it's someone else's.
Ego-centric, with a sadistic streak, he will terrorize his family from childhood until his old age, all the while managing to project the appearance of love and kindness. Taurus loves preferential treatment, and will usurp such privileges whenever possible.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Eternally childish - both intellectually and emotionally, a Gemini simply refuses to grow up, and will often mooch of off someone until old age.
His only true passion is pointless chatter, which he has mastered to perfection. A Gemini can talk for hours without ever getting to the point. He reads little, but has an opinion on every issue - even though he will change it about a dozen times a week. It is not uncommon for a Gemini to become an actor or at least a "writer".
Geminis can't stand stress - neither physical nor mental. Even though a Taurus loves to entertain guests, at best, he will have nothing more to offer than soda and chips. Usually though, it's just his endless and pointless ramblings.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A failure by definition, a Cancer is both a conservative and an opportunist, stuck in a constant state of self-reflection. Nothing and no one is capable of changing his mind, but he loves to argue, just to make fun of his opponent and look better in his own bulging eyes.
Cancers are quite cowardly, which may cause them to attack first, but they will usually flee at the first sign of danger, seeking the safety of their hole - a place which they love and nurture above all else.
A Cancer will readily slander and poke fun of everything around him, always pretending to be in control of the situation, strong and sure of himself. In truth, he is deathly afraid of everyone and prefers to be left alone in quiet solitude.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkenness and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual acquaintances.
His overly developed pride and narcissism can ruin the life of anyone who he has come into even passing contact with, while his gluttony is capable of bankrupting even the deepest set of pockets. Amazingly, even though Leos eat a lot and without stop, they never gain any weight.
They like to have the world revolve around them, which is why they strive to be the best at anything they do. If they are not successful at this, they will languish and lose weight.
A Leo's dominant character traits are usually an unshakable delusion of grandeur and an elevated feeling of self-importance.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgos possess all the charm of an rhinoceros and the brains of a rabbit. They are petty and greedy, annoying and argumentative. Virgos' lack of knowledge and imagination makes them unbearable for colleagues and difficult for family.
With her incessant nit-picking, a Virgo is capable of grinding any endeavor to a screeching halt, and driving even a patient person to the brink of madness. She never improvises, planning out every action weeks in advance down to the most boring and minute detail, much to the chagrin of anyone else who may be involved.
Anything a Virgo does is precipitated by cold logical calculation. Every action is respectable, predictable and boring. A Virgo is a vengeful master of intrigue, and if one has enemies, she will not rest until they, their families, their friends, and the families of their friends have been made to feel her wrath.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You have to be a real loser to be born a Libra. Libras are born with two left hands, both of which grow out of their ass. They are tone-deaf and generally have poor eyesight. The senses of self-esteem and humor are in embryonic states at best.
Libras never have any money, their love life is usually a non-starter and they have notoriously bad luck both at work and at home. Pictures of mediocrity, they are incapable of standing out, surprising, outperforming.
Genetically unable to make any decision, they begin to convulse and sweat profusely whenever faced with a choice more important than "paper or plastic?". This is why their whole life they let others decide for them.
While they love to present themselves as patrons of the arts, their knowledge in the area runs no further than they can throw a grand piano. Libras often end up writing tear-jerking memoirs full of half-truths and embellishments.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying.
Pathological sadists and masochists simultaneously, they will not find any means too low or dishonorable if it can aid in reaching their goals. Going to great lengths, they will strive to create a positive image of themselves, just so they can backstab an opponent when he least expects it.
Their career is built on the bodies of their more scrupulous victims. If a Scorpio just told you how much he values your friendship, be certain he has already ratted you out to the boss in an attempt to curry favor.
Scorpios are famous for their affinity to dirty jokes and cheap porno movies. They will spread rumors about their sexual conquests, cruelly smearing anyone unlucky enough to be involved with them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Usually a Sagittarius will come off as a blissfully happy idiot. In most cases, this first impression will prove accurate. His moronic enthusiasm cannot be dampened by anything - not even by a cinder block falling on his head.
After talking to a Sagittarius for five minutes, you will want to kill him quickly but painfully. From the early age, a Sagittarius will have developed the infuriating habit of forcing his stupid ideas and his company onto anyone who might so much as walk by.
An aggressive optimist, a Sagittarius will require a lot of work in a relationship.
He usually makes a habit of inventing stories and lying outright, which he rationalizes by what he thinks are good intentions.
A Sagittarius usually loves crowds and loud social situations, as well as any place where he can enjoy a meal and a drink without paying for them.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Cruel, cold and heartless, the Capricorn has all the warmth of an iceberg in January. He is a tyrant at work and an inquisitor at home.
A Capricorn sees picking on others as one of the major reasons for his existence. He will get worked up over minor infractions, and is completely devoid of sense of humor. It is not uncommon for a Capricorn to be abusive towards his (her) significant other, be it a spouse or a best friend.
Capricorns will back down only if faced with a threat of physical force, or intense psychological pressure. Intellectually primitive, lacking any semblance of imagination, he is nevertheless vengeful to the extreme - the word "forgiveness" is not in his vocabulary.
Capricorns possess the rare combination of delusions of greatness and low self esteem - all with minimal mental capacity. This is why so many are found among upper and middle management.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A hopeless and helpless dreamer, forever out of touch with reality, an Aquarius is ever lost in his own fantasy world.
He never returns money he borrows, for immediately upon borrowing it, he spends it and forgets about the debt. An Aquarius constantly breaks his promises, and hates nothing more than working.
People born under this sign love badmouthing and making fun of those that are close to them, but always behind their back. An Aquarius is drawn to greasy junk food and cheap action novels, both of which he buys in untold quantities.
His vacation is usually spent holed up in some god-forsaken bar, since he has spent all his getaway money on one of his uncounted projects destined to make the world a better place for humanity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A Pisces cannot live without lies and treachery. They often get so wrapped up in their own tall tales that they can easily forget which of their stories are true and which are not.
A Pisces constantly contradicts herself, and is always trying to wriggle out of a lie somebody has called her on. She will generally not profit from such fruitless tasks, but that's fine by her - she's doing it for the art.
Additionally a Pisces loves nothing more than to stick her nose into someone else's dirty laundry. Pretending to be a self-taught psychoanalyst she will pry into people's secrets, which she will later manipulate and trade through her own self-styled network of spies.
Incapable of working, or for that matter doing anything remotely useful, a Pisces has no interest for acquiring such abilities. Forcing her to do so is nearly impossible - she will simply wriggle out and disappear.
2 comments:
Love it. It's all true about me (Pisces). Yet Dann, you neglect to mention which sign you are? HHmmmm?
I would be a Capricorn.
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