Thursday, May 11, 2006

Marmot

Yes, yes, yes, I realize that this has been lifted from the Internet. I just didn’t have the energy to be creative and derive a formula to relate the size of the average groundhog to its metabolic rate and correlate that to its strength, mood, and want/need to chuck. So, here is the answer to the age old question. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

This is difficult to question answer. The amount of wood that woodchucks would chuck on a given day varies greatly with the individual woodchuck. According to a Wall Street Journal article, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas found that a woodchuck could chuck around 35 cubic feet of dirt in the course of digging a burrow. Thomas reasoned that if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would chuck an amount equal to 700 pounds.

Some say it depends on three factors:

The woodchuck's desire to chuck said wood.
The woodchuck's need to chuck the aforementioned wood.
The woodchuck's ability to chuck the wood.

Others say:


He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
If he could chuck wood, the woodchuck would chuck as much as he could!

A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

A woodchuck would chuck all the wood that the woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

If a wood chuck could chuck wood, he would and should chuck wood. But if wood chucks can't chuck wood, they shouldn't and wouldn't chuck wood. Though were I a wood chuck, and I chucked wood, I would chuck wood with the best wood chucks that chucked wood.

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, then s/he'd chuck all the wood, s/he'd chuck and chuck and chuck and chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

It would chuck the amount of wood that she sells seashells on the seashore divided by how many pickles peter piper picks.

One quarter of a sycamore if you give him a quarter for every quarter of the sycamore he cut.

It might depend on how many female woodchucks were present.

Or, it could depend on whether the woodchuck's mother-in-law was around or not. If she was around, he'd be chucking all day. If not, he'd be watching the football game.

Some maintain that woodchucks do not chuck wood at all.